How To Become Better At Confrontation

Confrontation can be scary. Especially for pastors. We tend to be people pleasers, and truly want to love people. If you’ve ever struggled with confrontation, but know you need to have a serious conversation this post is for you.

One of the major issues with confrontation is how personal it feels. If you are like me you don’t want the other person to get mad at you or not like you then confrontation feels like a death sentence. The following is one way to help overcome the fear of confrontation.

Don’t make it personal.

Let me unpack that. Often when we confront someone it is so personal they feel attacked. We confront someone on the basis of them not being good enough, not living up to expectations, or them needing to change. It is difficult for someone not to take that type of confrontation personal. Instead of talking about the person show the person what you need them to do.

Here are some examples:

  • I need you to be on time and if you are not I ask that you contact me.
  • This position requires someone to come prepared for meetings. Is that something you are willing to do?
  • I need people who own their mistakes and learn from them. Is that something you are willing to do?

What we often do during a confrontation feels like an attack.

Here are some examples:

  • You are always late! It’s like you don’t even care about this church.
  • You are never prepared. You are lazy!
  • You never own your mistakes. You always make excuses for them.

Can you see the difference. Most people won’t get defensive when you outline clearly what you need. They get to decide if they want to do whatever you are asking. If they won’t do it then it should become clear to them that a change needs to happen.

So often we confront out of emotions. Because it’s personal to us we in turn make it personal. In the end the other person does get offended. Instead work on sharing clearly what you need. Most staff will help do what you need. If they won’t then it’s clear you need to make a change.

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